Can't get knocked up least the sex is good.

kind of miss my grandma. Aside from being generally awesome, she was also told 
she couldn't have children. She told me she wanted children enough that she got 
her twin boys. I wish I knew why she was told she couldn't have kids (and why 
she wanted them so bad she got them and its not working that way for me). 

Oh, hi.
So let's get a little backstory going here. 

Almost 10 years ago, I met the guy who turned out to be my everything. I am as hopelessly and stupidly in love with him as I was the day we met. About 3 and a half years ago we got engaged, and a year and a half ago we were married. About a year ago I graduated with my MS and got a good job, so 10 months ago we decided to go ahead and get ourselves knocked up. Well, shit just doesn't go as planned sometimes, so here I sit, half a bottle of wine in, whining to a faceless community about being unable to do such a thing.

3 months ago I went to the girly doctor who, knowing a year prior I wanted to get pregnant, said, "I thought you'd be back in here pregnant by now" to which I replied, "So did I." Within the last 3 months, I have gone for a pelvic and internal sonogram, bloodwork, and a sonohystogram. My husband has gone for his semen analysis. It was all normal. Which is more irritating than comforting because there is nothing to fix if nothing is showing up as broken. I was put on Pregnitude which is a hilarious name for a vitamin supplement that is supposed to make my eggs healthier. 

This is my first cycle on Pregnitude and my period was 3 days late: just enough to get my all excited about the possibility of being knocked up. The thing that causes the breakdowns like I just had tonight (hello, wine and tears), is facing an empty future. I love my husband, and I know he loves me and I really lucked out in the relationship department. But having a child is different. It's a different kind of being needed. Just knowing that I will possibly live my life not being needed or depended on by another person is just so... aimless. It just makes me feel empty and it is so hard to convey that feeling. I can take not being a mom now. I mean, hell, I have a sink full of dirty dishes and clothes that desperately need to be washed - I'm not one of those crazy born-to-be-a-caretaker kind of people, but... Just a whole life of... this. Just sitting at home drinking alone with my dog while my husband works is so... empty. 



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